my new blog

I moved my blog to MSN Spaces check it out cause im not coming back here :)
sorry- Im no longer there...Im at thejenni.com!

...spies among us...

*in my best german accent*
ve haf moofed. zer ar zpies amonst us. oond yoo know hooooo yoo are.
buh bye :)

...on being a responsible adult...

Only my parents can make me feel guilty for being a responsible grown up and paying a bill. I swear they want to treat me like I’m 17 forever.

I paid a bill that had been hanging around for a year because Rob wouldn’t pay it. It was a pretty big bill leftover from our old apartment, and it was mostly Rob’s responsibility to pay, however my name was on the bill too. I’ve been through this kind of thing before and it isn’t fun when there are two names on one bill, but that’s the way it happens with creditors. If it is a bill for X amount and both your names are on it, you can’t split it in half and tell the creditors “well he can pay the other half, take my name off this” it just doesn’t work that way. Until the last dollar is paid both your names are still on the bill, and it is still in your credit and rental history until the last penny is paid, they don’t care who pays it or who’s fault it was. So I paid the frigging whole thing because I knew Rob would never pay a dime to it and it would hang over our heads for ever if I didn’t do something about it. And right now in my life is not a great time to fuck around with my rental history because I’m trying to find a place to live! I just don’t want any more drama in my life because of this kind of shit. I’ve tried to get money out of Rob for so long, he has never paid me back a dime from what I have loaned him, and from what my dad has loaned him (which probably adds up close to $3000.00 by now) and when I told him about this bill all he had to say was “Don’t pay it, its bullshit, you should dispute it” Well its not bullshit-we owe the money, and we always have owed the money. I know I will never see any money from Rob for any of this; he would have never helped me even if I asked. It took him 4 months just to pay an overdue cable bill that was in my name. (Word of advice to those who are moving in together: share responsibilities and never put your name on all the bills. You are destined to get fucked if you split.)

Anyway, last night out of the blue my dad says “I don’t think you should have paid that whole bill.” For a second I couldn’t figure out what he was talking about. I felt like I had to stand up for myself and explain to him the reasons why I paid the full amount. As if he thinks Rob would actually pay the other half? He even tried to tell me I was wrong about splitting the bill in half with the creditors and getting your name off the bill that way. It doesn’t work that way!!! I know from experience with other bills! I’m sure he thinks I’m stupid as usual, and thinks I can’t possibly make my own decisions because he thinks I’m dumb- (He’s even told me before “you are so stupid”.) Then...somehow he knew the amount of the bill...I never told them the amount! So I asked my mother who was sitting there the whole time “how did you guys know the amount by the way?” She replied “I looked in the trash”. She snooped in my trash and looked through torn up paper still in the envelope!!!! Do I not have any privacy at all in that frigging house???? I can’t even throw something away without them wanting to know about it. I got pissed.

I paid it to avoid the drama, and what did I get? Drama. I don’t need this shit. I know I was right in my decision. I was responsible. I was taking care of my self- I didn’t pay it for any other reason! I did the right thing!!!

Somehow I have managed to take care of myself for the past 13 years since I graduated high school and moved away from home...I don’t know how I did it because apparently in my parents eyes I am still a child who is stupid and cant do anything right. Somehow I managed to live on my own, pay my own bills, have a good job and take care of myself for 13 years. And somehow I was smart enough to get through college and get a bachelors degree with a 3.0 GPA, and was on the deans list for the last 3 years of school-all by myself. Somehow I was able to get a great job after college, and other people actually thought I was smart enough to be the operations manager of the company for 6 years straight!

Wow...all without my parents’ supervision. Who knew?

...very familiar...

Very Interesting Advice 

...new matchmaking service...

And I shall name it eHarmonyRejects.com

...quote of the day...

Ok, so I need to get some work done....later I say!

I found this other blog on livejournal.com at http://www.livejournal.com/users/saridout/61314.html and she put it perfectly!!!

"you don't know true depression until eHarmony rejects you because you don't fit into any of their little pre-programmed personality boxes."

Ya! What she said!

...not the marrying type...

Now No One Will Ever Marry me!!!!!

A follow up on my eHarmony experience:
Today I thought, well maybe they cant match me because I set my distance too close! So I went in and tried to change my preferences. I couldnt get anywhere but the page that tells me they think Im a freak and to go away. So I sent them an email asking for help to change my distances in my profile. Apparently I dont even get a profile! This is what I got in response:

Dear Jenni,
Thanks very much for your email.Based on your answers to our Relationship Questionnaire we will not be able to provide you with matching service.The onsite message you received is used to notify people that they fall outside the range of those we can accurately match with the eHarmony matching service.Please allow me to explain what that means. eHarmony matches people by analyzing their answers to the Relationship Questionnaire in order to accurately match compatible types of people. The difficulty with this technology is that about 20%, or roughly 1 in 5 people,do not fit neatly into any of these categories. When that happens we are faced with a dilemma. We could either match them anyway and hope for the best, or not match them. We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish and enjoy happy, lasting relationships that we have chosen to not provide service, instead of risking an uncertain match. We feel that incompatible matches could easily lead to bad marriages; the very thing eHarmony was created to prevent. Please do not take our inability to match you as a reflection of your desirability. We want you to feel totally welcome to spend time with us on oursite. Take advantage of every other part of our service – Our Personality Profile, Q&A with Dr. Neil Clark Warren, and Enlightenment, our monthly newsletter. One thing I can promise you is that all of us at eHarmony are deeply committed to your welfare. We want you and everyone else involved with us to end up with the life he or she most dreams of having.To access your free personality profile, please go to www.eHarmony.com. At the bottom of the screen you will see the text, "Login to complete your registrationor personality profile" next to form fields with the words "Username" and"Password" directly above them. Enter your user name and your password in the corresponding spaces then click the Login button. At the bottom of the screenyou will see the message referenced above ending with, "You can still receive your free personality profile by clicking here." Please click the 'here' link to access your profile.This message is an auto-response to your inquiry. If your questions or concerns have not been addressed, please reply and a Customer Care representative willget right back to you, or you can visit us on the web.
Sincerely,
eHarmony Customer Care

My original email:
When I click on my settings i get logged out, I cant get into my preferences tochange the distance Im looking in to a more broad area. Please help?

I absolutely love the part where they say "Please do not take our inability to match you as a reflection of your desirability." and "One thing I can promise you is that all of us at eHarmony are deeply committed to your welfare. " Why dont they just say that I am a freak of nature and that they dont want me in their system so that some poor schmo doesnt get involved with me and then sue their asses because I am not compatable with anyone except for the other 20% of the freaks they do not accept.

HEY!! I should start a dating service for the 20% of the people that eHarmony doesnt accept! That would be friggin fun!!!!

So is this a sign? Am I picking the wrong people to start relationshps with? Are they trying to tell me that I need to look for someone who is just as messed up as I am? And apparently they dont accept messed up people for their dating service.

What should I name my dating service? I wonder if eHarmony would re-direct people like me to my website when they get the dreaded "no matches" message that I got?

This is sureal. Im feeling kind of like an outcast at the moment. hmmm. Can I sue eHarmony for mental anguish?

...dis-harmony...

I am laughing so hard I almost peed my pants!!! I went onto eHarmony’s website to sign up...for fun...nothing more...and it took me about half an hour to fill out their questionnaires, there were at least 100 questions. This is all at work mind you...so finally I get to the last button that says “show me my matches” So I clicked on it with a smile on my face and what did I get? THIS!!!

eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

UN FRIGGIN BELIEVABLE!!!! Leave it to me. I think I did wet my pants....

My personality profile:

By analyzing your answers to the Relationship Questionnaire we have created the
following Personality Profile. Everyone has a set of subconscious wants and desires that drive their choices and attitudes. By asking you questions about a wide range of emotional issues, this report has established general patterns in your values. Some of the following information may seem inaccurate or incomplete. Remember, that this profile is a snapshot of your personality at a specific moment. It is not intended as an in-depth analysis of your complete being, but as a tool to aid in self-discovery. (well obviously these must be the things that are wrong with me, and why they kicked me out)

1. You are rather quiet and modest.
2. You tend not to show assertiveness and are never domineering or egocentric.
3. You prefer others to be in the spotlight rather than yourself.
4. When treated fairly, you can be sound and stable and seen as a dedicated and
   devoted individual.
5. You hesitate to say no and will seldom, if ever, attack.
6. You may be well thought of because you rarely antagonize others or rarely want the spotlight.
7. When meeting new people, you may be rather unassuming and mild mannered.
8. You will be cooperative and easygoing in social groups and family events, because of an inherent need not to make waves or cause hostility.
9. You become most comfortable in situations when the best offense is a good defense.
10. You seldom act aggressively towards others, but will demonstrate a passive resistance from time to time.
    

Each person has a unique way of communicating. We use a combination of body language, facial expression, verbal tone and word choice to share ourselves with others. The following statements offer a look at the natural behavior you bring to an interpersonal relationship. (the list below makes me sound like a friggin agoraphobia drug ad! Am I the poster child for Paxil????)

1. Your style shows you to be a much better listener than many other styles.
2. You will listen carefully and attend to what others say.
3. People who are talkative by nature may seek you out because of the natural audience you provide.
4. Because of a need to avoid confrontation, you may not express an opinion. As a result, you may go along with others, even if you disagree with the activity, sacrificing your own self-interests to accommodate others.
5. You would most likely not consider yourself an extremist on various issues, or in socializing with others.
6. You do not need to be the center of attention like others, and in fact may feel rather uncomfortable when in the limelight.
7. You generally communicate with others in a mild-mannered way.
8. You do not like to make waves and create disharmony. As a result, you may defer your own ideas to those of others.
9. In some new situations you may become somewhat unsure because of your need to feel secure in most activities. You will warm up to the new people or event in your own time.
   

Many different factors determine the communication styles with which you are most comfortable. Some individuals thrive on the challenge of pointed criticism, while others are at their best in a nurturing environment where criticism is offered as a suggestion for improvement. Each of us has a unique set of requirements and preferences. Below is a list of communication styles that will mesh well with your own. (too bad we cant help you find that person because you are a freak)

1. Having a partner who understands and practices these traits is important to your long-term happiness.
2. Present ideas softly, nonthreateningly.
3. Start with a personal comment to "break the ice."
4. Be sincere and use a tone of voice that shows sincerity.
5. Allow time to ask questions.
6. Show sincere interest as a person.
7. Provide personal support and assurance.
8. Provide solid, tangible, practical ideas and evidence.
9. Listen sincerely.
10. Move casually, informally.
11. Patiently draw out personal interests.
12. Support ideas for change with facts, figures and logic.

Following are some of the specific strengths and/or personal characteristics that you bring to a relationship. These may form the foundations of many of your friendships and dealings with other people. Some will seem obvious, but you may be surprised by others. Take a moment to reflect on each and consider what role it may have played in your past successes, and even failures. (Also please view this as a 12 step program and get psychological help soon)

1. You are good at helping other people to reach their goals.
2. You like to gather facts and think things over before offering a strong opinion.
3. You are excellent at listening to the concerns and ideas of others.
4. You are generally very patient with people.
5. You tend to work hard at making sure that other people are happy.
6. You are very supportive of other people.
7. You are very sincere in actions and words.
8. You are very respectful of the needs and wants of other people.
9. You tend to be a very calming influence in heated situations.
10. You are good at reconciling (i.e. you don't like to sulk after a conflict is resolved).
11. You are excellent at listening to your partner.
    

In general, human beings are defined by their needs and individuals by their wants. Your emotional wants are especially important when establishing with whom you are compatible. While answering the Relationship Questionnaire you established a pattern of basic, subconscious wants. This section of the report was produced by analyzing those patterns. Our wants change as we mature and obtain our life goals. You may find it valuable to revisit this section periodically to see how your wants have changed. You may want (but you cant have them because you are a freak of nature):

1. Peace and harmony.
2. Identification with your social group.
3. Time and opportunity to weigh pros and cons of decisions.
4. Scheduled activities with no haphazard or unplanned activity.
5. Clear responsibility and clear lines of who makes decisions.
6. Activities that may involve friends.
7. No sudden or abrupt changes in the situation.
8. Sincerity offered from others.
9. Time to react to new ideas and sudden change.
10. To feel important, but not be the leader.
11. A feeling of security.

Whatever....who would want to date a girl like this? Apparently no one. GAA!

...three little words...

How can just three little words get to me so much? I’m not talking about THOSE three little words, I’m talking about
1. I
2. Miss
3. You
Well he said them, and now I can’t get him out of my head. Why out of the blue, and after I had been bitching at him about the bills? He misses me? I even questioned him back, asked him if he was drunk. I can understand drunken emails, and I am generous with those gimmes because I have done many of them. But he actually answered back that in fact it wasn’t drunken, and that he did miss me. It is so shocking to me. I don’t know why. Maybe it is because it takes a lot to get that kind of emotion out of him. Maybe it’s because I bitched at him and didn’t expect that kind of response. Maybe it’s because we never shared the same feelings at quite the same time ever before. Do I miss him? I definitely do miss some things about being with him, being close to him. But I don’t miss a lot of things about him. And it’s those things I have to keep reminding myself about when I start missing him all over again. I did tell him I missed him too, I guess I would call that a weak moment, but I felt like giving in. On the way to work this morning I thought about going back to him...hypothetically. I could have, if I never knew about the lies and the cheating. That is sad, I know, but it’s true. I could go back to him even now, but it would take a whole lot for me to get over all the shit that happened. I would probably end up pushing him away again to get my frustrations out and it would end again. I don’t think Ill ever get over it, he broke my heart. No one has ever broken my heart; it’s usually me who does that, and me who ends things. Well in this case I did end things, and then later found out about all the shit.
I found an article in the paper coincidentally this week; I guess it would be the Dear Abby sort of advice portion of the paper. It was a man writing in about a break up he had, and later he found out she had been cheating on him. He wondered if he was allowed to be mad about it since he found out after the break up occurred. Her advice was yes, he is entitled to be mad at her for that. But that he shouldn’t carry that onto another relationship. He should only be mad at her, and distrust only her. That is the part I’m having a hard time with- trust. I hear people say all the time “men will always cheat”. I’ve never been cheated on, in any other relationship that is, so I suppose that one out of 4 or 5 relationships isn’t bad, but why did it have to be the one I wanted to be in forever? Maybe it’s my Karma coming back to me for ending my other relationships the way I did. I guess it was coming to me. I just wish it had come a lot sooner; I could have saved 6 years of my social life. I’m still thinking about him. It feels good that he misses me. I just wish I didn’t miss him so damn much.

Newspaper advice

...one of those days...

Ever had one of “those” days?
You wake up and you alarm clock has already been going off for 30 minutes and you wake up to the most annoying song in the world-The Macarena. You roll over to get out of bed and realize that your dog has decided his puffy-pillow bed isn’t good enough, and has crawled under the covers with you and you are now covered in dog hair, with a nice coating on your pillow that will be waiting for you when you get home to do the laundry before bed because there is only one set of sheets that fit your bed. You have to do some floor dressing” because this weekend your mother seemed to have an endless supply of her own dirty laundry, even though she has mwf off to do it...finally you find the pair of jeans that is the least dirty, but they are extremely wrinkled from being in a ball on the floor for three days. You decide to wear them anyway, they will be hidden under the desk along with your dingy white, holey socks and slippers that you step into on the way to slap on your makeup. You finally see yourself in the mirror and discover a huge day-glow zit in the middle of your nose. As you are plastering your face with globs of concealer your dog is whining to go outside because he just didn’t want to go the night before even though you stood out on the friggin wet lawn with him until 1030. You run down the stairs to let him out and in your last step down your slipper sticks to the carpet and you fall face first onto the cold tile making a loud slapping noise that seems to echo through the quiet house, thank god you dint fall at the top of the stairs but now you’ve probably annoyed your still sleeping parents in the next room. On your way back up the stairs you realize in the three minutes that you have been out of bed, your dog has already made a trip downstairs and chewed up a roll of toilet paper on the living room floor. And boy don’t you love the feel of soppy wet slobbery toilet paper in the morning? You have a second trip on your way up the stairs and kick those stupid slippers off. Hair goes into a ponytail because you don’t have time to shower, which is also the reason you are now wet down your sides from washing your armpits in the sink. You pick up your slippers and run downstairs with them in your hands and still manage to trip on the last step. Grab a Coke for breakfast, and feed the dog, only he just stares at his bowl as if he was expecting steak. You run out the door and realize the birds have caught on to your hatred for them, and have used your car for target practice. You pull out into the amazing accumulation of traffic that has managed to all get in front of you because you are invisible to other drivers. Cars pull out in front of you and you have to screech to 10mph and they give you a stinky face in their rear view mirror because you are tailgating them at that point. At one of the many red lights you get stopped at, your breakfast of champion’s spills on your wrinkled jeans and now they seem really dirty. There is one song stuck in your head and your singing it over and over again no matter what song comes on your car radio “...heeeeeyyyyy Macarena...AY!” The one show you are looking forward to watching that night, American Idol (go Carrie and Bo!) is now being accused of being fake! But I love that show! A huge semi with a muddy tractor pulls out in front of you, because you are invisible of course, and drives 35mph in a 60mph zone and you can’t pass now because the lady who gave you the stinky face is blocking you from passing. You run out of windsheild wiper fluid because of all the friggin mudd flying at you from the nuddy tractor. You get a text message from your sister who was supposed to come stay with you over the weekend; she has canceled because she agreed to pet-sit instead. As you are huffing under your breath at your sister, you realize you forgot to brush your teeth and your breath is rank so you swish with your delicious Coke...mmmmm cavities. You finally get ahead of the slow stinky faced driver only to hit every red light you need to go through. At this point you are so frustrated you are growling at everyone and everything, gaaaaaa!
You decide to fix your ponytail in your visor mirror and realize you have forgotten to rub in the globs of concealer on your huge zit, and you have looked like a splochy faced freak grunting and growling at everyone in your path. By now you are actually looking forward to the mundane mindless day you have planned at your desk, in your stained, wrinkled jeans and slippers. And when you finally pull in, your co-worker is standing outside waiting for you with her arms folded tightly in front of her, because you set the code wrong the night before and the alarms are blaring. So you smile and sing to her....“...heeeeeyyyyy Macarena...AY!”

...dear satan...

Is it normal to wish for death every night before you fall asleep? I find myself having conversations with the devil, or god...whoever will listen to me in my pleading attempts to leave this world. Or just to leave my sad, sad little life. I always tell them I’m ready to go. And I always wake up again the next morning disappointed. Sad.

...Incomplete...

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can’t find rest
Where I’m going is anybody’s guess

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It’s written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I don’t mean to drag it on, but I can’t seem to let you go
I don’t wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete
Incomplete

...to an old friend...

A few months ago I got word that a childhood friend of mine had passed away suddenly. I have great memories of our friendship and had written about one of them a couple years ago in an email to my dad. She would have been 31 in January also. Heres a great memory.


me and Kori 

Dedicated to Kori.

12/30/2003

Today I was writing on our dry erase board with a brand new green marker, and the aroma of it brought back a memory Id like to share with you:

Kori Coon and I were coloring outside on the picnic table in the grass in the back yard. It was summertime. I was wearing a blue tank top with Big Bird holding a bunch of balloons on the front of it. I had gotten a booster shot a short time before this day and the scab was ready to come off my arm. I was very careful not to touch it. I accidentally banged it on the picnic table as I turned around and it came off. I started to cry because it hurt a little. Kori thoughtfully ran and picked me a rosebud from moms garden and gave it to me. She blew on my arm to help the sting go away. She had spent the night the evening before and she was still in her pink nightgown and bare feet. We continued to color. It was hot and the Santa Ana winds were blowing the pages of our coloring books closed. We had them held open with two glasses of orange juice. Sarah and Calli were building a fort under the picnic table with some sheets and beach towels, unfazed by the small scab that had so recently fallen into the grass they were crawling in. My green pen ran out of ink and I situated it back into the old fruitcake tin mom donated to hold our loose crayons and markers. Kori wanted to use it so she proceeded to retrieve it from the sea of old crayons. She decided she would lick it to make the color come back. She soon became tired of licking my green marker so she dipped it in her orange juice. This was a great trick and we continued to use the green and orange juice marker for the rest of the morning. For years after, when I used the green marker in my coloring tin full of pens, it smelled horrible. Like soured feet. But that marker worked longer than any marker I had. And I still have the scar on my arm from that scab.

Funny how much can come back from one simple smell.

...Scars...

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and my scars remind me
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

drunk and im feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
im pissed 'cause you came around
why dont you just go home

'cause you channeled all your pain
and i cant help you fix yourself
you're making me insane
all i can say is

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized

that youre drowning in the water
so i offered you my hand
compassion's in my nature
tonight is our last stand

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

im drunk and im feeling down
and i just wanna be alone
you shouldnt ever come around
why dont you just go home

cause youre drowning in the water
and i tried to grab your hand
i left my heart open
but you didnt understand

you fix yourself!

i cant help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
im sorry but i gotta move on with my own life

i cant help you fix yourself
but at least i can say i tried
im sorry but i gotta move on with my own life

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

i tear my heart open
i sew myself shut
my weakness is
that i care too much

and our scars remind us
that the past is real
i tear my heart open
just to feel

...Always...

Always said you'd never hurt me

Never knew you always lied

Now I know you never loved me

Always was never on your mind

...to be continued.....

...My Mother, the Menopause Monster...

The next time my mother misses the point of a story because she has taken some tiny, obscure little detail from the middle of the story and blown it out of proportion, Im going to scream. She misses the whole point, sometimes we never get to the point because she has interrupted and gone off on some little think that has nothing to do with the point of the story!!!

Example #1:
Point of the story= Erin had to pay to get her car out of tow because of Robs irresponsibility.
Expected normal response= "Oh poor Erin, she is making Rob pay her back right?"
Menopause Monster response= (interrupted in mid story) "Why was Erins car parked in Robs parking lot?"

Example #2:
Point of the story= I bought a shampoo that I really like, and it makes my hair feel great.
Expected normal response= "Oh thats great, you're hair does look good."
Menopause Monster response= (interrupted mis story) "You're sure that shampoo wont take the color out of your hair because I paid a lot of money for you to have that done"

Example #3
Point of the story= (While watching a movie with the actress Maggie Gyllenhaal)Theres a movie with that actress that I like called The Secretary. Her character has just been released from a mental hospital is still self destructive and even cuts herself for punishment but in the end she finds someone who is just like her in some ways, and she finds her self worth and falls in love.
Expected normal response= "Yes I enjoy that actress in many of the movies I have seen also, that movie sounds interesting"
Menopause Monster response= (interrupted mid story)"why does she cut herself, I dont understand that. I could never watch a movie about someone cutting themselves all the time"

You can see where the story goes from there, we talk/ argue about her mm response and then probably a couple more times we get hung up on another non-important fragment before finally getting to the point of the story. But by the time we get to the point, it has lost its meaning. It Is Maddening! Its gotten to the point where I just dont even want to tell her anything anymore, in order to escape the wrath of her anger at tiny meaningless details. If Im ever like that please kill me.

...off center...

I often have very vivid dreams. Last night was exhausting. I had dreams about catastrophic events. And there were two of my old boyfriends in a couple of my dreams too. In the first one, I was together again with my high school boyfriend Sean. I was also living in the house I used to in California during that time. He was taking me to Disneyland, and had given me some new shoes but when I tried them on they were both for the right foot. So then all of a sudden we were crossing this huge hill of snow, and of course he had no trouble getting across but when I stepped in, I went up to my neck in snow. And just when I got his attention, I realized I had stepped on a mine and it went off…I shot out of the snow reeeeally high up into the air. The sky had a ceiling and as I got closer to it, there was a ceiling fan and I almost hit it as I started to come back down. When I hit I knew it was going to hurt but it didn’t. Then I was at home again, in my parents bedroom on the phone telling Sean how close I got to the ceiling fan way up in the sky. I went down into the basement (we didn’t have a basement in CA) and got a lot of cans of beer and drank them. I felt so drunk I got into bed and slept, and when I woke up the dogs in the backyard were fighting. I couldn’t get into the gate so I had to climb over. I got in there and there were my two dogs and a lot of these little black and white dogs that were really mean. I tried to scare them away but they just kept coming. Then on the hill behind the yard a pack of wolves showed up and started running towards us. I tried to get all the dogs in the house, and they wouldn’t come so I went into the house. Then I woke up.
The second dream had Aaron, a boy I went with in 6th grade and we were older, in high school. We were with a lot of other people I went to school with and had all been gathered up from a field trip and taken to an old abandoned drive in movie lot. The trees had grown in front of the screens and it was now hidden in a forest. I was sitting with my best friend from high school on some boulders, and a couple other boys we used to hang around with were sitting with us talking about what might be happening with the world at the moment. We were at war, and it had happened suddenly. During our field trip we had been invaded, and the sky was full of giant red airplanes and blimps. At one point I went walking with Aaron and he kissed me, and was trying to force himself on me. I struggled with him for a while until some other kids walked up on us and he stopped. I was scared to be with him, but he laughed and put his arm around me as we walked back to the boulders. In the distance, the sky was stormy and there were tornados everywhere. I went into the snack shop with Sara my friend, and we got our ration of food they were handing out. And just as we sat down to eat this waitress came out, she had roller skates on but was walking in the leaves in them. She handed me a hot dog, and said it was compliments of my mom and sister who had called in and had it sent to me. Sara and I split it and laughed at the waitress as she stumbled on her skates to get back to the snack shop. Then suddenly there was this loud siren that sounded so loud, the sound was coming from everywhere, all around us and it was earth shaking. Then two of the red airplanes flew over head, and started dropping bombs, and the bombs made a screaming noise as they flew to the earth. There were groups of soldiers dropping out of the blimps, all in formation and dressed all in red and black. All of us that were on the boulders huddled together in a big mass, to comfort each other as the air turned cold. Before I woke up I remember just looking around at my surroundings, and noticing that we were in a canyon, behind the movie screens were enormous cliffs.
I couldn’t get out of the feeling that I was still there, in that moment. I had to force myself to wake up this morning…I still feel off center.
Ive added links in the symbols to a dream dictionary website.

...beautiful soul...

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry, c'mon let's try

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul

Am I crazy for wanting you
Baby do you think you could want me too
There is nothing left to hide

I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I want to chase
You're the one I want to hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
your beautiful soul...

...you know it's Christmas when...

-there are so many people in the house you have to sleep in the same bed with your sister

-your drunk uncle hits on you and stumbles into your bedroom at 4am

-you have to take shots to endure talking to relatives on the phone

-you fight with your sister like you did when you were 12

-someone ends up crying at the dinner table every night

-you actually look foreward to going back to work, to get away from it all

-you agree with your mother and she snaps your head off anyway

-the greatest conversation you've had all week was with your dog

-your sister tells you to fuck off on christmas morning

...Gone...

What you see's not what you get
With you there's just no measurement
No way to tell what's real from what isn't there

Your eyes they sparkled
That's all changed into lies that drop like acid rain
You washed away the best of me
You don't care
You know you did it

I'm gone
To find someone to live for in this world
There's no light at the end of the tunnel tonight
Just a bridge that I gotta burn
You are wrong
If you think you can walk right through my door
That is just so you
Coming back when I've finally moved on
I'm already gone

Sometimes shattered
Never open
Nothing matters
When you're broken
That was me whenever I was with you


Always ending, always over
Back and forth, up and down, like a roller coaster
I am breaking that habit today
You know you did it


There is nothing you can say
Sorry doesn't cut it babe
Take the hit and walk away
Cause I'm gone

Doesn't matter what you do
It's what you did that's hurting you
All I needed was the truth
Now I'm gone

What you see's not what you get

...premonition...

sometimes I have thoughts, ok this may sound weird...but they sometimes come true. Kind of like premonitions. This morning I woke up and this image popped into my head, i guess it was more than an image...the thought of a major airliner crashing at the holidays. I heard it on the radio...in my mind. I really hope this doesnt happen and it probably wont because Im talking about it.

...Kelly Clarkson rocks...

Ever feel like every song on the radio is about what you are going through? I only wish I had hazel eyes....


Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong

Now I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright for once in my life
Now all that’s left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside

Cause I can’t breathe
No I can’t sleep
I’m barely hanging on

Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Just seeing you it kills me now
No I don’t cry
On the outside anymore

Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

Here I am
Once again
I’m torn into pieces
Can’t deny it
Can’t pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won’t get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

...Revenge is best served Cold...

No one can make me cry like.......
Denzel Washington.

You thought I was going to say someone else huh? ;)

I just saw the movie Man On Fire (which was great by the way) and just seeing his face, when hes getting ready to cry and you can tell...ugh, I always cry even before he does! He is such a great actor. He had a lot of good catch phrases in the movie. Like my title today "Revenge is best served Cold" I hadnt heard it before but I guess its been around. Wheen I heard him say it, I was reminded of a dream I had the night before.

I have very interesting, and vivid dreams, and most of them dont make any sense, but this one was quite realistic. It really got to me.

Before I fell asleep, I looked up from my pillow at my bedroom door and noticed it was opened a little more than it was when I had first gotten into bed...I thought to myself...Thats not how I left it....then I fell asleep and must have instantly started dreaming.

I sat up to go close my bedroom door and pulled the covers off my legs. As I turned to put my legs over the side of the bed and there was something there. Beside my bed under my legs, was Rob crouched down with his head down on the floor, and when my feet brushed against him he looked up at me with this weird psychotic smile. He was scary and I instantly felt afraid of him. He said Hi! Like he was happy to see me, and expected me to be also. He knelt next to me and put his head in my lap and said I'm so sorry for everything and looked up at me from his position in my lap. He was hugging my legs, and was sweaty and pale. I stood up and as I did he pounced on me throwing us both back onto the bed, playfully like He used to, and had his arm around me and was acting like I was forgiving him and he was smiling and couldnt see I was frightened out of my mind. I sat up and told him that if my dad knew he was there that he would shoot him so he'd better go. He reassured me that wouldnt happen, and he got off the bed, grabbed me by my left arm and pulled me to get up, and he walked me out my bedroom door. I can still feel his fingers squeezing into my arm as Im writing this. He was facing me the whole time walking backwards making sure I was looking at him. We walked across the hall, into a bedroom that is there in my parents house, only it was a door to the outside and was now a balcony/ porch area. It was cold and windy outside but he was still sweating like crazy. He reminded me of Jack Nicolson in the Shining, when he puts the axe through the bathroom door, and sticks his crazy face through the hole...Rob resembled THAT look. He had a backpack on and reached over his shoulder, still latched onto my arm with his stabbing fingers, and pulled out a silver revolver, put it up to my face, about an inch away from it and pulled the trigger...just that fast...I think it fired but all I could feel was a strong gust of air on my face, He pulled the trigger two more times. I just stood there paralized and waiting to feel pain, but I felt nothing except the gusts of air on my face. I was about to pass out because I had been holding my breath. My heart was about to come out of my chest. He was pissed, more pissed off than I had ever seen. I could see his lip roll over the top of his teeth. He looked at the gun and dropped it on the concrete porch. He reached over his shoulder again and Pulled out a rifle, pushed me back in the door saying "thats ok, Ill just try this one..." He walked me down the stairs with his hand still stabbing me in my arm with five jagged fingers. He had that look again, the crazy one, smiling the whole time with sweaty teeth. As we are walking down the stairs I see my dad come out from under the staircase, with his gun, pretending to be cleaning it. He looked up at us calmly, and Rob goes "Hey!" to him like hes going to be happy to see him and shake his hand hello as usual. My dad is still cool and collected and says something to Rob I can't remember, but Rob keeps me moving and throws me onto the living room floor, he plops me down next to the cofee table where his cell phone is, and points the rifle at me. My dad lifts his gun up and puts it to Robs head and cocks it, I slowly and methodically grab the phone as they are chatting. I dial 911 but it is of course a recorded message "all circuits are busy, please dial your call again..if this is an emergency please dial a 1 before hanging up" Im shaking like crazy, from the inside out. Rob looks away from his conversation with my dad and stabbs the gun into my chest...hard, and I push against it. He pulls the trigger again but nothing happens except air and he gets pissed again! Then he takes the end of his rifle and puts it under his chin and pulls it staring at me with crazy eyes saying it doesnt matter anyway. Nothing happened but I flinched and shut my eyes. He really wanted it to go off. His face changed from a crazy smiling lunatic to psychotic and mad, angry and disturbed.

Then, all of a sudden Im back in my bed. I sit up and I think "oh thank god it was all a dream" and so I get up to close my door again and its freezing, but when I look out into the other room I see Robs phone and then I hear his voice talking downstairs...My heart starts beating really hard and fast and I crawl back under the covers....I hate when that happens in dreams.

Then I really did wake up. I didnt go back to sleep at all that night. I was too scared to get up and shut my door too, it was still open just a little more than I liked it to be. It was freezing in my room and the light from the computer in the office was illuminating my room, like the light from Robs phone was doing in my dream. I held onto the edge of my bed all night, waiting for my alarm clock to go off.

One scene in the Denzel movie, was a scene with him, a bottle of Jack Daniels and a gun, not a revolver, one with a clip I dont know what they are called. He had one bullet, put it into the chamber, put it to his head and pulled.... nothing happened. He dropped the bullet out of the gun and held it in his hand as if it werent real. He called his best friend, Christopher Walkens character. He had a short heartfelt conversation and at the end told Denzel that "a bullet always tells the truth."

Im always trying to analyze my dreams and this one got to me. So much so that even now Im shaking a bit as Im writing it. I think the shootings in this dream represented the weakness in me dying and the new more powerful me remaining unharmed. I think the gun represented Robs power and hold on me. I looked up the gun symbol in my fav dream website dreamdoctor.com and this is what it said:

Gun:
Symbol of aggression, anger, power and protection. If the gun fires
properly, the dream suggests feelings of power and confidence. If the dreamer is
attacking, he or she should be alerted to hostile or angry feelings towards the
persons attacked. Being shot at indicates an emotional attack in waking life. If
the gun will not fire, or if the bullets are ineffective, feelings of
powerlessness are represented. Dreams of being surrounded by people who carry
guns can reflect feelings that one is involved with a “dangerous crowd.” Dreams
of guns should not be interpreted as precognitive.

I think I like my interpretation better.

...God I'm Stupid...

Well I found out today that he had been with her even before I ever left Denver!

I know her full Name and Email address...even her phone number and where she works I know her age
I know they were together at least back in July I think they met at a wedding
I know he lied to her about me, told her I left a long time ago...along with a lot of other lies
I know they corresponded for a long time, and that they had a relationship up through October.
I know they had phone sex one day while he was telling me he loved me
I know he is crazy, possibly schitzophrenic and definitely a pathological liar.

I feel disgusted, and dirty
I asked him tonight if I needed an HIV test and to please tell me he wore a condom, he responded with more lies telling me that he didnt cheat on me with her, so I told him plainly that I knew everything, and he responded with a dillusional "apparently not", and so I responded saying to keep lying, I knew they were together since July at least and laughed at the fact he was lying to her too..."classic" I think is how I put it, and he got irate that I would say such a thing and asked whereI was getting my bullshit information, I told him I hoped his dick would fall off and to have a nice life alone with his lies.

Hilarious. This was my life. Thank god I left when I did.

...Letter to him...

I finally realized today that suddenly, luckily I have been able to let you go. I was so blinded by trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, that I never saw what was so clearly in front of me for so long. What the hell were you thinking? How far were you going to push things, how much did you think you could get away with and have me still love you in the end? Well you did a wonderful job, bravo you played me perfectly. You win congratulations if that was what you were after. But sadly I’m out of the game. There will be times where I will miss you, what we were in the past, but I know I deserve a lot better than this. And I think that you know I deserve better too. I quit while I still have my dignity strongly in tact.

For the past couple months since I’ve known about your time with Kitty, and after the way you have treated me, it’s no longer worth much to me. I suggest that if you are not happy with what you are left with, you take a long hard look at yourself and do differently if you get such a chance with someone else.

I really do wish you well, but it’s just none of my concern anymore. It would be silly of me to continue hoping for any change. The only thing that ever changed was me, and what I would put up or tolerate next, and this is no longer tolerable.

...A Moment of Clarity...

It is the greatest feeling, clarity is. I feel like Ive been holding my breath, being held under water by a rock for the past few months. Well the rock finally moved and Im able to breathe. Big breaths of fresh air.

The brain is a mysterious thing; it has a way of protecting you by blocking out details that may harm you. This morning for some reason, my brain let down this barrier and everything clicked into place!

Here is a sequence of events:
September 2, 2004
conversation with Rob in which he got angry at me for writing an e-mail to his dad regarding my cell phone account...I couldnt figure out why Rob didnt want me to write to his dad..but he was extremely angry...

Later that same day I get a response from Robs dad, and in it he tells me how sorry he is that Rob and I broke up...which caused confusion on my end...because we werent broken up at that point.



So I sent an email to Rob stating that now I understood why he didnt want me to contact his dad, it seemed that we had already broken up and to clue me in next time I was confused...

Labor day weekend
Rob takes the ho...Kitty for a nice weekend in WinterPark, drives home drunk and totals his truck...they are unharmed. They apparently dated for a month or so afterwards.

Tuesday after Labor day
Rob tells me he totaled his truck, and that his life is in shambles, and that this was hard for him...but that he couldnt give me what I wanted.

I dont know why but my brain wasnt putting two and two together...Rob had already gotten to know her before they went for the weekend apparently. So he was telling me he still loved me and that everything would work out, and in reality he was already dating this Kitty person. He probably told everyone we had broken up long before that also...including his father.

Why did it take me that long to "get it"?

Well i feel much better...no more psychosis. No more obsessing over him. Hes trash.

...Fly...

Any moment
everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute
all the world can wait
Let go of your yesterday

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
cause it's your time
Time to fly.

All your worries
leave them somewhere else
Find a dream you can follow
Reach for something
when there's nothing left
And the world's feeling hollow.

Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
cause it's your time
Time to fly.

And when you're down and feel alone
Just want to run away
Trust yourself and don't give up
You know you better than anyone else

Any moment
everything can change
Feel the wind on your shoulder
For a minute
all the world can wait
Let go of yesterday

Fly
Open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try

Fly
Forget about the reasons why you can't in life
And start to try
cause it's your time
Time to fly.

Any moment, everything can change.

...On Boiling Bunnies...

So...in the process of shedding my skin, I decided to write an apology letter to all my friends tonight.

To the gang,
So, I just wanted to apologize to anyone that I’ve made to feel uncomfortable in any way, in regards to my former relationship with one Mr. Robert Burns. I know I may come across with a lot of questions sometimes, and I know it isn’t fair to put any of you in the middle. So this is my attempt to gain your forgiveness after being a psychotic ex-girlfriend for the past few months. I’m trying my best to get through it…and I just wanted to say thanks for your encouragement through this process. I’m proud to call you my friends, and I miss you all terribly.

Much love and endless kisses,
Jenni



12/5/04 An Update:
All of my friends have been so supportive of me through this. I got nothing but encouragement and support from this letter. Im happy to call them my friends. Thanks guys!

...I know, I know...

Some advice from a good friend:

Wow Jenni, I was reading through your blogspot.... talk about similiar
experiences... Couple of observations, if you want them..... :) What do you do
now that you have all the information? Thank your lucky stars you are away from
him and realize how better your life will be when you don't have to wonder and
pry and sneak anyinformation out.... Quit thinking about it, it will only cause
you more pain... Also for me, I had to quit analyzing and trying to figure more
stuff out... it was over and did me no good to toil in the events of what
happened...That's one of the things that bugged me.. I always said, "just tell
me the truth, no matter how bad it is, and I'll handle things much better"...
but few people do that, and most would rather just lie to you and avoid the
drama...I learned some great lessons, such as if I need to constantly beg
someone not to lie to me that I'm holding on too long and need to end it. It's
true trust needs to be gained, but trusting someone with intimate thoughts and
downright lying to them are very different things...Look deep inside Jenni and
see what makes you happy, take up something(s) that you have always wanted to
do, but never had the time or money, it will be fun plus give you a great sense
of selfworth. Above all, surround yourself with people that make you feel good
about yourself and let go of the past.

Thanks...

This is something I know in my heart that I need to do...but my brain isnt ready, or isnt willing to let me at this point...I can't figure it out. Its still too new in my head I guess...but it will happen.

I think you seem to be having the same problem I did, you care too much...
At first I wanted to keep a friendship with her, in part because of all the
time I'd been with her, and in part because you feel rejected when someone
does that to you... I guess there is a point when I realized the things she
did didn't warrant any sort of friendship ever, no matter what we'd been
through or how long we'd been together... life is too short to stress about
people who treat you with little respect...:)

I KNOW, YOU ARE TOTALY RIGHT...Part of my problem is that I still talk to him
almost everyday...about mundane, unimportaint things mostly small talk...but when
I want to talk to him about importaint things he shuts me out, hangs up on me, or
loggs off his computer...it is extremely frustrating. I know i need to just
let it go...something inside of me is psychotic or something and wont. I do
want to keep a friendship with him, i just dont know if its possible since I still
love him so much. He doesnt know that I know about this other girl...mostly
because I dont want him to think I care so much about it to make it an issue
directly to him...another partof my problem is that my friends that are in
Denver still feed me information about him...i want to hear about things, but its
hard to hear these things sometimes. Im stuck.

My advice...1) Tell your friends you don't want to hear anything anymore. It will make it a lot easier for you...

2) Ask yourself why you still love him. The stuff he did doesn't sound worthy of your love.

3) Tell him you know about her and then just walk away. Resist the urge to answer
him as it will only cause more hurt.All of these are tough to do, but I had to
ask myself what good it did to keep thinking about things. I am tons
happier now...

...Since You've Been Gone...

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
since you been gone

You dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long, till I called you mine
since you been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say
But since you been gone

I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Thanks to you now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say

I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Thanks to you now I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Thanks to you
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on
Thanks to you
Now I get
You should know, that I get
I get what I want
Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone

...Boys...

Boys are stupid.

Throw rocks at them.*

*Not all boys are stupid. But most of them are. I hate stupid boys.

...Hello Kitty...

What is this insatiable urge in us to have answers? What is it about the unknown that causes such a compulsion to comprehend? Why do we ask questions about things that we know in our hearts we don’t really want to know? We know the answer will not be good for us, but still want to ask the question. It is torture sometimes for me, to want the answer and not be able to get it. Then again its torture when I do get the answer…Suspicious Minds…

I realize I’ve gone too far when I find myself investigating -- you may say "snooping" -- through my ex-boyfriend's things even though he isn’t there to provide an explanation. I have to admit I've done it quite a bit, and I never like what I find.

So what's my problem?
A friend told me that I can't trust others because I don't trust myself. While I'm certain insecurity is a likely cause, I believe I'm just scared of getting hurt. And by snooping, my warped mind thinks I'll catch him doing something that fulfills my fears before it sneaks up on me.

The only thing I have a problem with now is, what do I do with this information now that I finally have it? I got the answers I was looking for, what now? What usually turns up is a lot of anger and hurt and self torture.

The agony must be addictive, because I can’t stop. But keeping track of his skeletons is only going to drive me crazy in the meantime, but hey! I got the answers, right? Who cares if I’m crazy?

...Til I Get Over You...

Everytime I feel alone
I can blame it on you
And I do

You got me like a loaded gun
Golden sun and sky so blue

We both know that we want it
But we both know you left me no choice

You just bring me down
So I'm counting the tears 'til I get over you

Sometimes I watch the world go by
I wonder what it's like
To wake up every single day
Smile on your face
You never tried

We both know we can't change it

But we both know we'll just have to face it

You just bring me down
So I'm counting my tears 'til I get over you

If only I could give you up
But would I want to let you off of this soapbox baby?
We both know that we want it
But we both know you left me no choice

You just bring me down
So I'm counting the tears 'til I get over you

We both know that I'm not over you
I'm not over you

...Support our Troops...

I decided that this year for Christmas, instead of spending money on a lot of little things...That I would support an American soldier in Iraq with a care package. I did a ton of research last night and found that a lot of these men and women dont get a lot of mail, some not even at all. They need to hear that there are people here who care about them and who appreciate what they are doing for us, especially at this time of year. So I found one website in particular, AnySoldier.com that specializes in connecting soldiers over there with civilians stateside. There is a list that is updated daily of soldiers who have written in for their specific needs. Some of them dont have a PX (military store) to buy toiletries and things that will bring up morale and some dont even have electricity, and are still in tents. Some of them wrote in for warm socks and gloves and hats because it is getting cold over there. You would think that the military would provide them with these things, but apparently they arent. The hardest thing for me will be to have to choose one soldier and their camp from the list of hundreds. I wish I could send something to all of them, but it just isnt possible. So Today I am going shopping for toiletry items and christmas decor for their tents, and books and magazines, maybe a few clothing items like socks and wool hats.

If you'd like to send a care package to someone who needs to know you support them, go to http://www.anysoldier.com and read through the information there. The website was created for exactly this and is very infomational and easy to understand, and even has instructions on how to send, and where to send. Happy Holidays!
-Jen

...Sexy...

What makes a person Sexy?
Is it the way they carry themselves?
Is it their looks?
Is there one thing in particular that makes someone sexy?
Is it money and fame?

I was watching TV last night about People Magazine's newest Sexiest Man Alive issue. Jude Law is the sexiest man alive according to them. I agree Jude is sexy...but not for his looks, which to me seem a little elfish...but to me he is sexy because of his attitude and for the things I know about him, like for example he has 3 children and talks about them like they are his best friends...love that. My sexiest man alive is still either Brad Pitt or Colin Farrell. I think because they are so pleasing to the eye, and they both just seem like bad boys...whom I'm always attracted to. Another reason Im attracted to Jude and Colin is because they arent American...and both have delicious accents. Somehow that makes them intruguing to me. The bad boy thing always gets me, someone like Kid Rock who isnt good looking at all to me, is still sexy because of his attitude. Tommy Lee is so hot, not for his looks and scrawny body, but because of his hard edge...and Ive seen the infamous sex tape, that helped a bit too *wink wink nudge nudge* The bristly stubble that sometimes makes a man seem rough and tough, is very sexy on any mans face to me, not matter what he looks like. But someone like Tom Cruise who is always referred to as sexy in the media, doesnt get my vote as a sexy man. He's pretty, yes, but not sexy at all to me.

Any man with a great sense of humor is a very sexy man to me. Any man who can make me smile and laugh all day long, gets my vote as sexiest man alive any day over Tom Cruise. The sexiest thing about a man is not his looks, money or possessions but his sense of humor. Not only in life around him, but in himself. Because a man who can laugh at himself is a man who is comfortable in himself and those around him. A man who accepts people for who they are, not what they are. How can a man get any better than that? I'll tell you a smile and a laugh can be the sexiest thing around. My Ex... who is great looking and has a great body, when he smiles, my knees go weak. It is a sly one-sided smile, kind of a "I know what you're thinking" grin, and then he follows it up with a smooth, silk covered laugh. I felt my face turn red and covered my face with my hair the first time I heard it!

ugh, I miss him....
Rob on 70's night

...We're all a Bunch of Crazies...

Question of the day:
Why do we as women, get so dramatic when we break up with a man?

For example; Lindsey Lohan recently broke up with her boyfriend, and has since smashed in the hood of his car, and threatened to commit suicide...My best friend had to go over and console his girlfriend when in the midst of talking about their break up, she threatened to hurt herself...I myself have caused a plethora of dramatic moments in the past 6+ years of my last relationship and am not proud of it but it happened. (One of the examples is in the ...Hey Jealousy... episode below)

Is there an "I'm gonna go crazy if you leave me"-switch in our brains that overloads when confronted with the idea that someone we love no longer loves us?

...Moving On...

I watched a movie last night, called Before Sunset with Ethan Hawke and french actress Julie Delpy. Its actually a sequel to another movie I watched a few nights ago called Before Sunrise, that was filmed 9 years ago with the same actors and same characters who meet by chance on a train in europe and decide to spend the next 24 hours together talking until Ethan has to catch a plane. They leave eachother wanting more but decide to meet back there in 6 months and kiss goodbye without exchanging any personal information. The movie ends open ended, leaving you wanting more. They made the sequel in 2004, luckily I didnt watch the first part when it first came out in 1995 otherwise Id have these characters rollng around in my head for 9 years! In the newest story, it is really 9 years later and they have another chance meeting in Paris. Ethans character Jesse has written a best selling novel abou their encounter 9 years ago, and she comes to his book signing in Paris and surprizes him. One scene really grabbed my attention. They are talking about what could have been and Celene (Julie Delpy's character) goes into a monologue when Jesse tells her he hasnt really moved on since they first left eachother.

"I'm really glad you said that, because I always feel like a freak because Im not able to move on like (snap) this. People have affairs, or even entire relationships, and they break up and they forget. They move on like they have changed brands of cerials. I feel like I was never able to forget anyone I've been with because each person had their own specific qualities; you can never replace anyone. But what is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends really damages me. I can never recover. Thats why Im really careful with getting involved because it hurts too much. You can never replace anyone because each one is made up of such beautiful specific details." -Celine in Before Sunset

...Properties...

Don't you wish sometimes you had an internal computer? Wouldnt it be great if you could right-click on someone with your curser and find out what their properties are...you could find out all about them in one click...

If I had right clicked on my ex it would have looked something like....


Properties
General
Not Available
-----------------------------------------------------------
Type of file- Dreamer
Opens with- Sex or anything to do with himself
CHANGE
This file is not changable
------------------------------------------------------------
Location- Denver, CO
Size- 5'9"
------------------------------------------------------------
Created- 09-29-77
Modified- 02-21-96
Accessed- 08-16-04
------------------------------------------------------------
Attributes- marriage-no kids-no
------------------------------------------------------------
ADVANCED
This file is not capable of advancing

...Breakaway...

My Anthem:

"Breakaway"
Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray
Trying hard to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away
And breakaway

[Chorus]

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging 'round revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, and breakaway

I'll spread my wings And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

and so i did.......

...Hey Jealousy...

What is the statute of limitations on how long you should wait before sleeping with someone else? Is there one? I mean after you've broken up with someone you've been in love with for 6+ years? Its like the Ross and Rachel episode on Friends he claims they were on a break and so he slept with some random girl, but it was the first night they had been apart and she was mad, and never forgave him for that...and that was'nt even reality!!!

Backstory: I just found out my ex-boyfriend slept with some random girl two weeks after we had first DISCUSSED breaking up. He originally lied to me about her saying "...she isnt anyone you know, I was driving her to meet up with her boyfriend" Then I found out that same night from one of our mutual friends that his story wasnt true. Do I forgive him for that...because we are broken up now?

Why do guys think this way?

My best friend says "....dont know why they think different, I suppose men think in more terms of escape, like run away from a reality into the arms of another. maybe its about how hard it is to walk away from a relationship... i think you would have to admit, its not completely rational to focus on that versus all the other stuff that he comprimised your relationship on. like, when he would just clam up on you and leave you in silence, or attack you for no good reason, those things were shitty. This thing with the random sex is shitty is too but its just a different type of shitty. he should have no more broke that statue of limitations than he should have done the other things to you either. He did stuff that was wrong to you and he would not stop. You would try to bear it, you would try to work with the relationship to change, he would just continue. you are justified in being mad i guess. i am just saying it did not occur to him what he was doing to you when he forced the silent treatment on you, so this kinda fits. It is totally wrong for someone to do to you, but it fits for him.. "


But being a girl...I can't seem to get this out of my head. He was with another girl two weeks after we had just decided to break things off...at least she's the only girl I know of. And before I found out (this past week...two months after it happened) all I knew was that he was trying to make it through this, and he kept telling me how hard it was for him, and that he's "... in the worst place I have been. I feel like my world is falling apart and I'm headed straight into nothing." Poor him....He even said "I love you but right now I cant give you what you want." two days after he was with that girl! Were we broken up? Can you still tell someone you love them, after you have broken up with them and then slept with another person randomly? And is the other person supposed to beleive that knowing they slept with someone else?

Talk amongst yourselves.

So...when I found out...of course I turned into an obsessive stalker. Who wouldnt? I sent him this letter that, at the time I was thinking as I was writing it sounded pretty damn good. I was sober, I was calmed down since first finding out the news...so I wrote. The only thing I know how to do is to write and get things off my chest. So I thought write a letter! A Novel idea! Lovely! Brilliant! So I wrote...this is what came out of me:

If you think the truth will hurt me, then so be it. I’d rather know the truth straight from you than find out you were lying to me about something stupid like the girl in your accident. That’s really the only thing I have ever asked you to do for me, is tell me the truth. There is one thing I’m really hurt about though it is that you moved on so fast. That was Labor Day weekend and we had just two weeks before finally talking about how we were probably going to break up and you were already with someone...that just hurts to know. You are the only person in this world that I love this much. I had hoped we could maybe one day have a future with each other or maybe just remain close friends. I’m not sure that is what you want anymore since you keep lying to me. Can you actually tell me what you want from this, finally? I wish you would.

I love you and I always will. I know you are moving on, and that is ok with me. It’s taking me a little more time however… It would be really nice to have a conversation with you that lasted more than three minutes so I could ask you these things but instead you hang up on me. In my mind, one day I could still come and visit you if we are both still single, and we could be together while I’m there. And then when the vacation is over I would go back to my world and you could go back to yours. Simple. Is that something you have ever thought of? You have mentioned that we could visit; you could visit me here when you are on the road. I mean now you won’t even call me, is there something to that? Can you actually give me some answers here?

Oh my god.

Did I really send him that?

I am a stalker!

I have become one of those girls you see on late night TV...On the Maury Povich show screaming at the top of her lungs "you're my man and no other ho's gonna have you!" as I proceed to boil his bunny....

I need a life.

....then I need to go have random sex.....